Growing Our second Baby Boy
Sunday, May 3, 2020
Finding out we were expecting another little boy was one of the highlights of my pregnancy. Having a baby after a rainbow baby makes everything so clam knowing that the same God who took me through the last pregnancy will continue to do the same. It was a quiet Saturday, while sitting on the crouch I heard a small voice saying to me "peace". I didn't think much into it. An hour later I came across the name "Shiloh" and I decided to see the meaning. I heard the voice saying "that what you are going to named your boy child", later did I know I was already pregnant. I just smiled, saved the name on my note on my iPhone and just kept it moving.
Way before, I remember people asking me if I wanted a boy since we lost our first, deep within I wanted a boy but I would always say I want a perfect healthy baby and the "Will" of God should be done. Weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and it was all surprising to me.
At my second doctor appointment he mentioned that I didn't have to see a specialist even with my history of pregnancy lost. I told him that I had lots of sonograms visits with our rainbow baby (Kemi) visits and saw a maternal specialist through out, he said I was perfectly healthy and all the test came back great. I felt a little hesitant. While going to my car, I heard the voice saying again "peace". Knowing the human mind I was still restless till my next sonogram visit.
During the visit when I saw the baby he gave me a peace sign and I started to cry. This was the assurance that God is and will always be in control. From that moment till delivery I had peace my entire pregnancy.
I heard the tech say, “It’s normal!! It’s a boy!!!!”
I simultaneously felt tremendous relief at learning that our baby was healthy and also not shock at finding out it was a boy! 'Jeremiah 29"
I thought about it that day the more I just knew that having a little boy was exactly what we needed, and exactly what I’d been too afraid to admit to myself that I wanted so desperately. Obviously a healthy baby is all I really wanted, but having another little boy but more importantly on earth-side is just so perfect for our family.
I first felt this baby kick at 14 weeks. A whole two weeks earlier than I felt Bolu. This baby has such different movements than Bolu that I’m realizing just how much of their personalities how early on. He does a lot of active bouts of strong kicks, while Bolu did a lot of wiggling and gentle nudging. But he sure does one thing that his big brother did, and that’s keeping his feet up in my right ribs. I first felt them there at 20 weeks, the exact week I first felt Bolu make contact with my right ribs. I panicked at first, but now that I’ve had of this I’ve come to realize this is one of those special things that my two boys will share. Like any siblings, they’re bound to have things that they do that are similar.
Interestingly enough, I can’t remember getting a single comment of “you’re so small” or “you’re so big” – the terms that I heard a lot of in my pregnancy with Bolu rather than this baby is treating you so well, you look so good. It’s all about how much of a miracle this baby boy is and people’s reactions to my belly are more about him than me, and I love it. However, I grew like crazy. It’s true when they say you show quicker and faster with subsequent pregnancies. And I just love my big, round belly. It is sustaining a tiny human being and two pregnancies later this is still so amazing to me. It’s incredible what women’ bodies can do.
Towards the end of this pregnancy, I didn't feel any sort of anxiety in, I was so clam so at peace just needed the time to go by so fast because I was so exhausted. So far in this pregnancy after loss I haven’t seen much of it. I’ve been diligent with my self-care and good about getting regular exercise and taking things day by day, but if I’m being honest, it hasn’t been a struggle to keep the fear and doubt at bay. I’ve just felt so strongly from the very beginning that this child has a lot of living to do on this earth. This feeling has blessed us all with the ability to celebrate this baby in all of the same ways that we were able to celebrate Bolu. It’s true that there are a lot of things in pregnancy after loss that are bittersweet, scary, and triggering, but my heart and mind have naturally gravitated towards resting on the sweet side, finding peace in these times, and seeing the beauty there is in sharing some of the memories I created with Bolu with his little brother. Realizing that life is so precious and that no one is guaranteed a long one has helped us to make each day this baby is given special and allowed us to fill it to the brim with love.
And I live for this – all of it. After three and a half years, two babies, and 18 months of being pregnant I’ve spent a good portion of my late twenties and thirty growing tiny humans. If you’d asked me back in high school or even college where I saw myself at this point in life it definitely wouldn’t have been here. But there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. Motherhood wasn’t something I always knew I wanted but when those two pink lines appeared with Bolu I realized I was made for it. It became my passion, my dream, my drive in life. Through mothering and running a business this whole maternal world is where I’ve found my calling. And so pregnancy will always be so magical to me – the beginning of my dream I’m living out, the one that brought me my two kids on earth-side.
When this birth was so close I had to respect that the very real trauma and grief that we experienced last time were starting to resurface. I know my family and friends were having excitement and joy but for me there’s this very real connection that the days leading up to life entering this world have with life exiting it too – in our world, birth and death are so intimately entwined. But I knew that this baby is not his big brother and that this birth will be it’s own unique experience. I’m having to make more of a conscious effort to remind myself of theses things – remind myself that all I have to do is believe that everything is happening exactly as it should and that God is and will always be in control. Between my incredible husband, my family, my friends, my doctors, my mama friends who have been through pregnancy after loss before, and my self care routine I have got the most incredible support system help got me and this precious child of ours through.
Thank you all for being such a big part of this journey, for following along, and for offering up so many words and prayers for peace and strength over these few years Our family of four is so grateful!
Sincerely,
Earlinda
Earlinda
