Boluwatife: The Will Of God

Boluwatife: The Will Of God

Saturday, November 11, 2017

On October 29, 2016 the unthinkable happened to us! Our baby boy was born at 23 weeks 5 days and departed to be in the father's arms. Two days before the 29th, I went in for a regular doctor appointment but they couldn't find his heart beat. My heart sunk and I started to shiver, the doctor then referred me for an ultrasound but they still couldn't find his heart beat. I didn't know how to dial my husband's number, because that's not the joyful call I got from him in early September telling me that we were having a boy. I then called him and told him what had happened, he said "how did that happened, I kissed him this morning".  I was told I had to go into delivery to birth him ASAP. I refused but went home standing on faith that he would move. At night I kept telling my husband that our baby boy is alive, he's just sleeping. The next morning I had no choice but to be admitted into the hospital at 11am on Friday. My mom kept telling the nurses they shouldn't start the procedure that the baby is alive. We did another ultra sound and his heart wasn't still beating.  I told them that I had to wait for my husband, I can't do anything without him. The doctor came in when my husband had arrived and said "I have been MD for 30 years and seen this happened but the longer we wait, you will be infected'. At 6pm we started the procedure, I kept saying Jesus why is this happening to me!

By 2:30am on Saturday October 29 we birth our precious and beautiful Boluwatife (God's Will, The Will of God) Akanni and said goodbye to him. He looked exactly like my husband but had my skin color. This is not how we picture our birthing experience to be. Watching Tunde hold our son was one of the greatest memories of them all. His love, his pain, his pride. They were all written on his face. A father’s love for his son bursting into the room. I could hear my husband say, "son I love you so much, but God love you more.  I started to question my faith and my God. I was hurt, I was destroyed and I was angry. The doctor came in the next day and said there's nothing that could have be done because it was a cord accident. He was very active in the early stages that the cord may have tied. Even though I kept blaming myself and saying all the "What if". My umbilical cord tied around his neck and therefore he stopped getting all the flow he needed. Our little buba was having too much fun in there. My heart felt heavy knowing what had happened but brought a small bit of relief to know it wasn’t something we did or didn’t do. Knots are undetectable. But this brought tremendous grief that his passing from this knot happened completely out of our control. We couldn’t have protected him from this passing! We were not alone in this loss. ( my best friends reminded me that there's no power strong enough to kill or harm our baby but it was all in the Will of God.

(John 9:2, 1 Thessalonians 5:18, Matthew 6:10, Proverbs 19:21).

The nights were longer and the days were shorter, I cried myself to sleep, I cried in the shower, when I saw other babies pictures, when I think of that day, I cried every time. When I look at my husband, face I could see our son. I refused to pray because it was the hardest thing to do. I’m a mom!  My life has changed forever. No matter what happens I’m a parent now, there is no taking that back. From that point forward, I was a mom. In that moment, my identity changed and my role in life shifted. I could only go forward on the road to parenthood as there was no going back. When my son died, it was as if my identity as a parent died too. Well, my anticipated identity. I soon came to learn that there are different ways to ‘parent’ your dead child just as there are different ways to parent a living one. We parent through letter writing, tending to their graves, celebrating anniversaries, and giving back in their name. Moms and dads are born when their children are born as the great spiritual teacher Osho states, “The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” So what happens when that child dies before he was even born? Well I’ll tell you, it’s as if the mom and dad die too. At least their role as a parent does or that is what it feels like. You feel lost. One minute you are growing into this new identity and role as a parent as your belly is blooming with life and in the next it is gone. Almost as if it never happened. You ask yourself questions that no one else has to ask, “Am I a parent or am I not a parent?” or “Was I ever a parent or was I just hoping to be a parent?” These questions feel absurd to you like asking a man who has use of both legs “Do you have legs or don’t you have legs?” He answers with, “Well of course I have legs, there they are.” You think the answer should be that obvious to others but it’s not because your legs can’t be seen. Your child is nowhere to be found expect for in a few photographs taken after his birth and some of you smiling innocently while touching your bulging baby belly. And oh, I think I would have to argue with the spiritual teacher Osho. Maybe it’s because he was a man (but I think most loss dads would agree with what I am about to say too) or maybe it’s because from my knowledge, Osho wasn’t a bereaved parent. But in my opinion a mother isn’t born when a child is born. A mother and father are born when the dream of a child is conceived. That’s what makes this grief so unique I guess, because I lost so many things the day he died including my innocence. 

Two weeks after the incident, I had an OBGYN appointment with our doctor to run few tests and was told to be back the following week. At the next appointment, after all the procedures, he stated that it was not still birth but miscarriage. That I was measuring ahead but I was actually 18 weeks and not 23 weeks and the placenta had detached from the uterus which had cause it all. Any pregnancy loss before  20 weeks is miscarriage.  I was confused, wasn't this same doctor who had told me it was a stillbirth and it had to do with a cord accident. Now, I was weak and wished my husband was with me. The doctor stated that so many women go through miscarriage and there's nothing that could have be done and it was all nature taking it course. All the tests came back negative and I was healthy and everything was fine with me. It was nothing genetic or anything wrong with my body, if the body must go through miscarriage there's nothing one could do to stop it but let it happen. That's great news I have heard in the whole 3 weeks and I was thankful to God right there for great health and life. I didn't want to worried my husband so I waited for him to come home and I told him. He then said, "well its Thanksgiving and there's so much to be thankful for". I decided to enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday and be thankful for my many many many blessings. We had one of the best Thanksgiving (after all it was our first Thanksgiving as married couple) just us two with lots of food. We needed that time together. Whether it stillbirth or miscarriage, we loss our baby and there's nothing that could have be done!

Boluwatife your name say it all, even though you didn't had a time on earth you affected us in so many ways. You made our love unbreakable, our faith in Jesus stronger. Not a day that goes by we don't think of you. I love how you were so active in my belly when I read psalm 91 to you and could rubbed the anointing oil on my belly and tell you how much mommy and daddy loves you. And how you already acted like your father in my belly. You showed us what real love is and what really matters on this journey called life. I am so glad I was able to connect to other mommies who went through similar thing and they got me through the difficult days. We never realized what others go through till we experienced it, I was shocked to know that thousand of women have experienced this including my mother in law and even my mom had a miscarriage before I was conceived and I wasn't alone. I didn't want to do this, knowing how we are very private but I had to do this for someone who may need this. I read other stories to get through the tough days therefore I know someone else need mine. God chose me to be your mommy and now not for a second I wonder or question why I am your mommy. For He know the plans He has for me (Jeremiah 29:11).
To our village of support and love, we say thank you. To the world greatest mother, your unconditional love is everything. . These memories are both the happiest and the most painful I’ll ever know, and there’ll never be enough of them. There is this peace that could only have been from God that we feel every day. I know I’ll never understand why God chose his precious soul to be in His arms so soon, but I find some comfort in knowing that the first face Boluwatife saw was His. This has not change our faith but made it stronger because on Christ the solid rock we stand. I fall in love with Jesus every day and I am more than thankful for the gift of life. All things are working for our good and there is purpose in our pain.